Pages: 293
Pairing: tour manager (?) and highwayman/rock star
First Sentence: Celtic music sensation Ian MacGregor flashed his now-famous smile at the thousand or more cheering fans as he took his place center stage at the Glasgow Royal Concert Hall.
Climax: She shattered beneath him and Ian found her mouth, possessed it, possessed her, until she gasped again and then arched into his thrust, as they both shuddered with release.
Review:
Highland Rebel had more potential than most of the other romance novels I've read so far, but I feel like all of it was wasted. Just look at the premise: it's 2009, and Celtic rock star Ian MacGregor has been living in the present for a year. He comes from 1711, and now he has to travel through time again to save Ellie Graham, his tour manager and the eventual love of his life. Throw in young genius Davey Ferguson and Ian's fiery young sister Katie Campbell, and you'd think you have a recipe for guaranteed fun times in the sexy Scottish Highlands. Did I mention that Ellie is a goth? From Texas?
Well, think again. It was actually almost 300 pages of waffling. Waffling, and Ian "dragg[ing] his hand through his hair."
The book opens at a concert of Ian's band, Outlaw, who are basically a superfamous version of The Dropkick Murphies. It's been a year since Ian and his friend Quinn travelled forward in time with Quinn's wife/Ellie's sister, Maggie (I think that must've happened in the first book, because this one is a sequel). So ya know, these guys got really famous really quickly. Outlaw are at the end of their European tour, and Ellie is in love with Ian. She's also damaged from her parents' deaths over ten years before, and a goth, and won't let anybody in, so she's quitting her job. She doesn't know that Ian is actually from the 18th century.
After the show, everyone goes to what sounds like an extremely lame afterparty at Maggie's cottage, which Ellie leaves in a huff, ending up at "the cairn," where Davey Ferguson is studying mysterious energy surges coming from the region of three spirals on the floor. Davey is 22 years old but has two PhDs, is cute except of course for his glasses, and is my favourite character (I like to imagine him as a relative of Craig Ferguson). Neither he nor Ellie knows that the spirals are magical time travel devices. So Ellie accidentally activates the spirals, and she and Davey are thrown back in time. A bystander gets Ian, who goes back in time to rescue Ellie and Davey.
Once they get into the past everything is a mess, and not as fun as it should be. Ian discovers he has a half-sister, Katie, who is 19 and betrothed to a sexagenarian (*snicker*) earl. That is until she forces Davey to marry her. There are some good bits.
I'll save you all the gory details. Blah blah blah, Ian doesn't kill the king, blah, he reconciles with his father, blah blah, Ellie gets pregnant and they go back to the present and get married. Of course Ian has taught her how to love and she's gotten over all her issues but still sometimes dyes her hair blue.
Most likely I'm just bitter because the book didn't live up to my expectations, but seriously I couldn't get into it and it lasted for-friggin'-ever. I'd like to make some kind of time joke but can't come up with anything. Also the Scottish accents and various broadening brogues majorly got on my nerves. Terry Pratchett did it much better with the Nac Mac Feegle. At least the characterization in this one improved a bit on the other romnovs.
Whatever. Hopefully the next romnov lives up to its title and cover illustration a bit better.
Quotations:
Davey had added his scientific approval to the idea of the spirals powering some kind of time vortex. As far as he was concerned, it was entirely logical.
As for himself, he was having a grand time. Since he'd long ago resigned himself to the fact that one day one of his wild experiments would likely kill him, he had nothing to fear, and as a scientist, everything to gain.
"Lass, ye look so cute."
Just as he would have brought a coat, if he'd known he was going to be traveling back in time.
Either Ian is still with his father, she thought, or he just doesn't want to sleep with me--I mean talk to me.
97. The Sheltering Sky by Paul Bowles
Year Published: 1949
Pages: 313
First sentence: He awoke, opened his eyes.
Rating: 2/3 (meh)
Review:
So here we have a book about a bunch of horrible selfish Americans travelling in northern Africa. It's almost humourless and full of things that happened over my head. Oh, and since the author, Paul Bowles, spoiled me in his preface, I'm going to pay it forward: the male protagonist dies in the middle of the book. Takes him long enough, is all I can say about it.
To elaborate, Port, Kit, and Tunner, are, well, travelling in northern Africa. Port and Kit are a married couple, and he (Port) takes pains to identify as a "traveller" rather than as a tourist. Tunner is along for the ride, chiefly because Port and Kit don't seem to want to be alone together. They have kind of a weird arrangement. They hate having Tunner around, so they try to lose him. Horrible shenanigans going on all around, really.
Then Port dies.
Hilarity ensues.
Of course it doesn't, though. There are a few bits of joy in this book, like oases in the Sahara (see what I did there?), and then there're some very sharp and compelling images, but mostly there are just a bunch of characters that are extremely hard to like. I shouldn't be so harsh, though, since I actually did find the novel pretty engrossing.
The back cover blurb made much of how Bowles is examining the destructive power of cultural insensitivity or something, but I didn't really see a great deal of that, which I thought was a shame. Instead there was the symbol of the desert, and the arid wastelands between the characters, since none of them can really connect with any of the others.
I don't really know what else to say. The book isn't boring, although I found it losing steam in the last third or so, which is quite different from what comes before. I didn't dislike the book, so Bowles clearly knew what he was doing putting a bunch of horrible people in it. But I didn't enjoy it, either.
Quotations:
And it occurred to him that a walk through the countryside was a sort of epitome of the passage through life itself. One never took the time to savor the details; one said: another day, but always with the hidden knowledge that each day was unique and final, that there never would be a return, another time.
"Everyone makes the life he wants. Right?"
Pages: 313
First sentence: He awoke, opened his eyes.
Rating: 2/3 (meh)
Review:
So here we have a book about a bunch of horrible selfish Americans travelling in northern Africa. It's almost humourless and full of things that happened over my head. Oh, and since the author, Paul Bowles, spoiled me in his preface, I'm going to pay it forward: the male protagonist dies in the middle of the book. Takes him long enough, is all I can say about it.
To elaborate, Port, Kit, and Tunner, are, well, travelling in northern Africa. Port and Kit are a married couple, and he (Port) takes pains to identify as a "traveller" rather than as a tourist. Tunner is along for the ride, chiefly because Port and Kit don't seem to want to be alone together. They have kind of a weird arrangement. They hate having Tunner around, so they try to lose him. Horrible shenanigans going on all around, really.
Then Port dies.
Hilarity ensues.
Of course it doesn't, though. There are a few bits of joy in this book, like oases in the Sahara (see what I did there?), and then there're some very sharp and compelling images, but mostly there are just a bunch of characters that are extremely hard to like. I shouldn't be so harsh, though, since I actually did find the novel pretty engrossing.
The back cover blurb made much of how Bowles is examining the destructive power of cultural insensitivity or something, but I didn't really see a great deal of that, which I thought was a shame. Instead there was the symbol of the desert, and the arid wastelands between the characters, since none of them can really connect with any of the others.
I don't really know what else to say. The book isn't boring, although I found it losing steam in the last third or so, which is quite different from what comes before. I didn't dislike the book, so Bowles clearly knew what he was doing putting a bunch of horrible people in it. But I didn't enjoy it, either.
Quotations:
And it occurred to him that a walk through the countryside was a sort of epitome of the passage through life itself. One never took the time to savor the details; one said: another day, but always with the hidden knowledge that each day was unique and final, that there never would be a return, another time.
"Everyone makes the life he wants. Right?"
R3. Because of a Boy by Anna DeStefano
(Woo, twitter! Eventually I'll post awesome things there, but for the moment I'm just getting used to it and feel like I'm just talking to myself. So follow me!? -M.R.)
Pages: 273
Pairing: nurse and lawyer
First Sentence: "What do you think you're doing?" Kate s [sic] asked the man standing beside her patient's hospital bed.
Climax: all the sex scenes faded to black
Review:
This book was fucking bullshit. Bullshit.
I've said before that I don't expect these romance novels to be masterpieces or anything. My understanding is that they're erotica for people who are too shy to realize that erotica is what they want. This wretched book doesn't even have any sex in it, though. Bullshit.
What it does have is a full cast of "heroes," which is also complete bullshit. Kate Rhodes, pediatric nurse, heroically trying to protect Dillon Digarro from his abusive father. Stephen Creighton, lawyer, heroically defending the innocence of Manny Digarro, Dillon's father, who is himself heroically on the run from a Colombian drug cartel that he was heroically working for to make enough money to get Dillon medical treatment for the rare genetic disease that makes it look like he's being abused. Others, who are all heroic in various capacities. Also, the book is heroically set in Atlanta.
The characterization in this novel is sort of stronger than in the two previous romance novels, except for all the "show, don't tell" going on. Also the fact that everyone's heroism gets in the way of everything else that they're supposed to be. Most of the characters are wounded in some way, but every single one of them deals with it by being, yes, heroic.
The actual plot has potential, at least by romnov standards. When Kate suspects that Dillon (her patient, who she also knows from a homeless shelter where she volunteers) is being abused, she reports it to the authorities. Manny goes to Stephen, who works for some legal aid place where they only defend innocent people or something, and everyone is very dedicated to serving justice. When it turns out that Dillon actually has a genetic disorder that makes his bones brittle and he isn't being abused after all, the charges are dropped, but he and his father are already on the run since the abuse report put them back on the radar of the Colombians. So Manny has taken Dillon to hide somewhere in the city. Kate and Stephen team up to find them and get Dillon back to the hospital and keep the family safe from the, er, drug dudes. As Kate and Stephen search for the Digarros, they realize that they're into one another, and that's basically the story right there, minus subplot.
It all hums along just fine, except that the search takes place over a period of less than a week, at the end of which Stephen proposes. And Kate accepts. Fucking bullshit.
The ridiculousness of the ending--I knew they'd get together, but not that they'd get married--combined with the goody-two-shoes qualities of almost every single character made this book absolutely infuriating.
I don't even know what else to say, other than "fucking bullshit," one more time.
Quotations:
But her voice.
It rushed through him with a zing of both recognition and awareness. As if she belonged in his doorway before dawn. As if there were no more natural place for her.
"How can you say that? Dillon--"
"Is an illegal immigrant." Stephen stepped closer and lowered his voice.
"What?" Kate's fresh scent reached out to him.
"I'll walk you out," a familiar voice said. Its husky timber tickled her frazzled nerves, like sensual fingers she wanted to feel everywhere.
A familiar blonde walked beside her, not looking so It's a Wonderful Life herself. (This is the most bizarre "pop culture" reference I've ever seen. -M.R.)
Pages: 273
Pairing: nurse and lawyer
First Sentence: "What do you think you're doing?" Kate s [sic] asked the man standing beside her patient's hospital bed.
Climax: all the sex scenes faded to black
Review:
This book was fucking bullshit. Bullshit.
I've said before that I don't expect these romance novels to be masterpieces or anything. My understanding is that they're erotica for people who are too shy to realize that erotica is what they want. This wretched book doesn't even have any sex in it, though. Bullshit.
What it does have is a full cast of "heroes," which is also complete bullshit. Kate Rhodes, pediatric nurse, heroically trying to protect Dillon Digarro from his abusive father. Stephen Creighton, lawyer, heroically defending the innocence of Manny Digarro, Dillon's father, who is himself heroically on the run from a Colombian drug cartel that he was heroically working for to make enough money to get Dillon medical treatment for the rare genetic disease that makes it look like he's being abused. Others, who are all heroic in various capacities. Also, the book is heroically set in Atlanta.
The characterization in this novel is sort of stronger than in the two previous romance novels, except for all the "show, don't tell" going on. Also the fact that everyone's heroism gets in the way of everything else that they're supposed to be. Most of the characters are wounded in some way, but every single one of them deals with it by being, yes, heroic.
The actual plot has potential, at least by romnov standards. When Kate suspects that Dillon (her patient, who she also knows from a homeless shelter where she volunteers) is being abused, she reports it to the authorities. Manny goes to Stephen, who works for some legal aid place where they only defend innocent people or something, and everyone is very dedicated to serving justice. When it turns out that Dillon actually has a genetic disorder that makes his bones brittle and he isn't being abused after all, the charges are dropped, but he and his father are already on the run since the abuse report put them back on the radar of the Colombians. So Manny has taken Dillon to hide somewhere in the city. Kate and Stephen team up to find them and get Dillon back to the hospital and keep the family safe from the, er, drug dudes. As Kate and Stephen search for the Digarros, they realize that they're into one another, and that's basically the story right there, minus subplot.
It all hums along just fine, except that the search takes place over a period of less than a week, at the end of which Stephen proposes. And Kate accepts. Fucking bullshit.
The ridiculousness of the ending--I knew they'd get together, but not that they'd get married--combined with the goody-two-shoes qualities of almost every single character made this book absolutely infuriating.
I don't even know what else to say, other than "fucking bullshit," one more time.
Quotations:
But her voice.
It rushed through him with a zing of both recognition and awareness. As if she belonged in his doorway before dawn. As if there were no more natural place for her.
"How can you say that? Dillon--"
"Is an illegal immigrant." Stephen stepped closer and lowered his voice.
"What?" Kate's fresh scent reached out to him.
"I'll walk you out," a familiar voice said. Its husky timber tickled her frazzled nerves, like sensual fingers she wanted to feel everywhere.
A familiar blonde walked beside her, not looking so It's a Wonderful Life herself. (This is the most bizarre "pop culture" reference I've ever seen. -M.R.)
98. The Postman Always Rings Twice by James M. Cain
(So let's just be clear about something: I try to go into the Top 100 books as "blind" as possible. I think that makes it more fun, plus it's a lot truer to the premise of the blog if I don't go around reading a bunch of literary criticism before I write my reviews. Anyway, when I picked up The Postman Always Rings Twice, the title was kind of familiar but I didn't know why. I only recently discovered that the reason it was familiar was because of the pretty famous film adaptation. I haven't seen the movie, though, so I can't tell you how closely it follows the book or anything. What I'm trying to say is that this review is purely my reaction to the book and has nothing to do with the movie. -M.R.)
Year Published: 1934
Pages: 188
First Sentence: They threw me off the hay truck about noon.
Rating: 3/3 (read it!)
Review:
James M. Cain broke my heart, or at least punched me in the gut. I hope I'm not giving too much away by saying that.
The Postman Always Rings Twice is the story of Frank Chambers. He's basically a twenty-something vagrant, getting in fights and incarcerations in various places in the middle of the 1930s. I assume he's handsome (I imagine all youngish men of the 30s being handsome, but I'm not sure why), but the book doesn't have anything to say on that topic, possibly because Chambers is the narrator. He ends up in California at Twin Oaks Tavern, a "roadside sandwich joint" owned by Nick Papadakis, who is usually just referred to as "the Greek."
The Greek's wife is Cora, who is probably around the same age as Chambers, not exactly a looker but kind of a devil in bed, which it doesn't take long for Chambers to find out. As soon as he sees Cora, he agrees to stay and work for the Greek (this was back in the good old days when every gas station had a mechanic), and Chambers and Cora fall into bed together pretty much immediately. If this is starting to sound like a romance novel, don't worry, it's about a thousand times better.
Cora only married the Greek to get out of the hash house where she ended up working after arriving in LA. NB: I don't really know what a hash house is. This, I guess. Anyway, without any real deliberation, Chambers and Cora hatch a plot to kill the Greek, I guess so that they can be together, and the rest of the book springs from that. Keep in mind that the stakes are high, what with the death penalty and everything.
The thing is that the stakes don't seem very high at first. The way Chambers relates it, killing the Greek is just a matter of course, the easiest thing in the world. Instead of getting bogged down in all kinds of ethical or philosophical speculation, the narrative is really sparse, and the tension is ratcheted up in unexpected places. Because of that, the ending hits very hard. I loved everything about the telling, and of course it helps that the story is very strong. Also I have to say that I adore 30s vernacular, or whatever it is. If I could bring back the term "flim-flammed," I can guarantee you I would.
Basically what I'm trying to say is that even if you don't agree with me on the awesomeness of this book, it's very short and definitely worth your time.
Year Published: 1934
Pages: 188
First Sentence: They threw me off the hay truck about noon.
Rating: 3/3 (read it!)
Review:
James M. Cain broke my heart, or at least punched me in the gut. I hope I'm not giving too much away by saying that.
The Postman Always Rings Twice is the story of Frank Chambers. He's basically a twenty-something vagrant, getting in fights and incarcerations in various places in the middle of the 1930s. I assume he's handsome (I imagine all youngish men of the 30s being handsome, but I'm not sure why), but the book doesn't have anything to say on that topic, possibly because Chambers is the narrator. He ends up in California at Twin Oaks Tavern, a "roadside sandwich joint" owned by Nick Papadakis, who is usually just referred to as "the Greek."
The Greek's wife is Cora, who is probably around the same age as Chambers, not exactly a looker but kind of a devil in bed, which it doesn't take long for Chambers to find out. As soon as he sees Cora, he agrees to stay and work for the Greek (this was back in the good old days when every gas station had a mechanic), and Chambers and Cora fall into bed together pretty much immediately. If this is starting to sound like a romance novel, don't worry, it's about a thousand times better.
Cora only married the Greek to get out of the hash house where she ended up working after arriving in LA. NB: I don't really know what a hash house is. This, I guess. Anyway, without any real deliberation, Chambers and Cora hatch a plot to kill the Greek, I guess so that they can be together, and the rest of the book springs from that. Keep in mind that the stakes are high, what with the death penalty and everything.
The thing is that the stakes don't seem very high at first. The way Chambers relates it, killing the Greek is just a matter of course, the easiest thing in the world. Instead of getting bogged down in all kinds of ethical or philosophical speculation, the narrative is really sparse, and the tension is ratcheted up in unexpected places. Because of that, the ending hits very hard. I loved everything about the telling, and of course it helps that the story is very strong. Also I have to say that I adore 30s vernacular, or whatever it is. If I could bring back the term "flim-flammed," I can guarantee you I would.
Basically what I'm trying to say is that even if you don't agree with me on the awesomeness of this book, it's very short and definitely worth your time.
- - - - -
All of a sudden, I found out I was crying too.
- - - - -
He walked around the room a few times, falling for himself every time he passed a little mirror that was in the corner, and then he went on.
- - - - -
R2. Mr. Right Next Door by Teresa Hill
Year Published: 2007
Pages: 303
Pairing: elementary school teacher and secret agent
First Sentence: Kim Cassidy grinned like crazy as she made her way off the plane at the Atlanta airport and into the arms of an exasperated-looking blond giant of a man who happened to be her brother.
Climax: Shockingly they don't actually have a simultaneous orgasm, so there isn't a good example of this.
Review:
So, this one goes out to all the exhibitionists in the crowd. By which I mean that this is the book for you if you like to fantasize about Peeping Toms, or at least a universe where all the Peeping Toms are attractive secret agents.
Still, there's a (albeit overt) Star Trek reference in the author blurb, and a genuinely funny bit where "our hero," secret agent Nick Cavanaugh, shoots a cat, which makes me wish I could go a bit easier on this book. But no, it was shitty, just like The Farmer Takes a Wife and all the other romance novels I've condemned myself to reading.
Kim Cassidy is a sexy/adorable 24 year-old Southern belle who travels alone and gets into various sorts of scrapes. The latest: a pirate attack on her cruise ship. These are racelifted diamond thief pirates, not Somalians, and Kim falls in love with one of them, Eric. She doesn't actually know that he's a pirate, and thinks that he saved her life. Nick is 38, and he has aches and pains and oral sex skills. He also suspects Eric of being a pirate and is assigned to watch Kim to see if she's also in on the crime, or whatever. He also literally has a major hard-on for Kim throughout pretty much the entire book. Like, he's basically delerious with lust and can't focus, because she has such a bangin' body, and wears what both of them refer to as a "slinky robe."
There isn't much more to say, because it's obvious what happens. I'm leaving out the boring bits, but basically Kim and Nick do each other, and then Eric the Pirate shows up to collect his diamonds and Nick saves Kim's life and then they bang some more, this time offscreen.
This book rises above The Farmer Takes a Wife by virtue of the cat incident (the cat just gets grazed by the bullet, and there's unexpected comedy gold in the phrase, "You shot the cat"), and the character of Harry, who works with Nick and is a dirty creeper but also has some actual personality. But once again we have a case of very poorly developed characters and very clunky writing. I swear the book is about 75% sentence fragments that each have their own paragraph.
I swear.
Nothing but fragments.
Good God.
Quotations:
It felt oddly sexual and oddly not.
And her mouth... Oh, that mouth.
Yum.
Just yum.
Which made Nick think of the old Elvis song, "All Shook Up." Which he was sure she'd never heard of, because she hadn't been alive long enough. Would she even know who Elvis was, let alone how well that particular song fit him right now? (She's 24, not 6. -M.R.)
"Yes. You think parks planners are magically immune to the craziness in the world these days? You think anyone is? I mean, you just got shot at by pirates, after all."
"Yeah, but I'm not living with a loaded gun under my pillow."
"Well, maybe you should," Nick said. "And I don't keep it under my pillow. I keep it between the mattress and the box spring."
"I don't care where you keep it. I care that you have it and that you shot the cat," Kim said.
"If you're a parks planner, I'm Miss America—"
"I'm sure you could be, if that's what you wanted—"
She probably had bruises from that little encounter.
Not that she seemed to mind, judging from the way she was sleeping, melted against him like warm butter.
Naked, warm, sexy butter.
Pages: 303
Pairing: elementary school teacher and secret agent
First Sentence: Kim Cassidy grinned like crazy as she made her way off the plane at the Atlanta airport and into the arms of an exasperated-looking blond giant of a man who happened to be her brother.
Climax: Shockingly they don't actually have a simultaneous orgasm, so there isn't a good example of this.
Review:
So, this one goes out to all the exhibitionists in the crowd. By which I mean that this is the book for you if you like to fantasize about Peeping Toms, or at least a universe where all the Peeping Toms are attractive secret agents.
Still, there's a (albeit overt) Star Trek reference in the author blurb, and a genuinely funny bit where "our hero," secret agent Nick Cavanaugh, shoots a cat, which makes me wish I could go a bit easier on this book. But no, it was shitty, just like The Farmer Takes a Wife and all the other romance novels I've condemned myself to reading.
Kim Cassidy is a sexy/adorable 24 year-old Southern belle who travels alone and gets into various sorts of scrapes. The latest: a pirate attack on her cruise ship. These are racelifted diamond thief pirates, not Somalians, and Kim falls in love with one of them, Eric. She doesn't actually know that he's a pirate, and thinks that he saved her life. Nick is 38, and he has aches and pains and oral sex skills. He also suspects Eric of being a pirate and is assigned to watch Kim to see if she's also in on the crime, or whatever. He also literally has a major hard-on for Kim throughout pretty much the entire book. Like, he's basically delerious with lust and can't focus, because she has such a bangin' body, and wears what both of them refer to as a "slinky robe."
There isn't much more to say, because it's obvious what happens. I'm leaving out the boring bits, but basically Kim and Nick do each other, and then Eric the Pirate shows up to collect his diamonds and Nick saves Kim's life and then they bang some more, this time offscreen.
This book rises above The Farmer Takes a Wife by virtue of the cat incident (the cat just gets grazed by the bullet, and there's unexpected comedy gold in the phrase, "You shot the cat"), and the character of Harry, who works with Nick and is a dirty creeper but also has some actual personality. But once again we have a case of very poorly developed characters and very clunky writing. I swear the book is about 75% sentence fragments that each have their own paragraph.
I swear.
Nothing but fragments.
Good God.
Quotations:
It felt oddly sexual and oddly not.
And her mouth... Oh, that mouth.
Yum.
Just yum.
Which made Nick think of the old Elvis song, "All Shook Up." Which he was sure she'd never heard of, because she hadn't been alive long enough. Would she even know who Elvis was, let alone how well that particular song fit him right now? (She's 24, not 6. -M.R.)
"Yes. You think parks planners are magically immune to the craziness in the world these days? You think anyone is? I mean, you just got shot at by pirates, after all."
"Yeah, but I'm not living with a loaded gun under my pillow."
"Well, maybe you should," Nick said. "And I don't keep it under my pillow. I keep it between the mattress and the box spring."
"I don't care where you keep it. I care that you have it and that you shot the cat," Kim said.
"If you're a parks planner, I'm Miss America—"
"I'm sure you could be, if that's what you wanted—"
She probably had bruises from that little encounter.
Not that she seemed to mind, judging from the way she was sleeping, melted against him like warm butter.
Naked, warm, sexy butter.
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